I’m sick

Sick and tired of seeing all these motivational pictures, posts, ads, etc… EVERYWHERE. Stuff like:

Exercise more, eat healthier, do more, work more, play more, think this way, do things that way!

It’s infecting my facebook feed, my wordpress reader, my short tv existence after work and worst of all, it’s creeping into broad fucking daylight. Urgh, cringe!

I feel like I’m being bombarded constantly by big egos telling me how to live. Are they trying to help others or are they rubbing their psychological cocks and vajayjays a little more? I don’t know, probably a bit of both. If it’s the former, I’m not sure how effective it really is.

Sure, I can work and play more and it will probably lead to good things in the future. However, seeing this stuff over and over makes me feel like I’m not doing enough.

Possible outcomes:

  • I’ll work more and play more. My future self will reflect at times and think; “Damn! I do feel better, look at where I am, all this money, all these bitches!” However, will I ever reach contentment and satisfaction? At the end of the road, burnout, depression and loneliness seem more likely.
  • I start feeling sick, sick of what my life has become; “There’s so much more I can be doing right now. It’s time to work harder and play more! Argh, why am I not doing all these things like I’m supposed to? Why can’t I live life like all those other people? Bah, my life is always the same shit everyday and I’m sick of it. I hate myself so fucking much!” 

Now I admit, I am being a bit gloomy and extreme right now. I’m not denying it never helps anyone. All I’m trying to do is tell people it can have the total opposite effect on some individuals. Seeing all this happy-go-lucky stuff is annoying, I’ve seen it a million times before. It makes depression a bigger taboo than it needs to be and nine times out of ten, it’s just not interesting…

P.S.: Big up for the people telling how they really feel on social media.
P.S.2.: The photo ain’t really that fitting but Goddamn!! haha

Lovin’…

The blogging!

Yesterday I was re-reading ALL my posts for the first time. It came with mixed feelings, it’s funny how a person can change. Not in a sense of true beliefs, rather a change of direction, outlook and energy. Reading some of my old stuff made me realize how different I was at the time. It’s weird seeing the drive and commitment I once possessed  All those thoughts, driven by a fiery passion, one that reaches lightyears further than the stars. In reality however, it were just the ramblings of another madman.

I do love seeing it tough. It gives me the ability to observe myself at different stages of life. Self-reflection. A concept I very much need. Sometimes one can perceive, feel, analyze, understand, act and do things differently in the course of time. I have trouble memorizing.

P.S.: Therefore, thank you WordPress and thank you friends and family.

P.S.2: I’m talking about one blog post in particular, some others too. It’s just something I could never write right now. Funny eh?

Wandering

I’m wandering trough life.

Trying to find out how to think.

Tumble tumble.

Don’t stop.

 

Dreams

Hello all!

I haven’t updated my blog in a while. I’ve been busy getting to know and mastering the details of my new job. It’s fun, I love my colleagues and I’m learning new stuff everyday. I do wonder however, what the future will bring as I’d like to move up the proverbial ladder.

What I want to talk about now are dreams. Right now, I’m in a calm state of mind, the last 4 months were pretty manic from time to time. I started noticing the first symptoms when me and my girlfriend started living together. Thank God I recognized what was going on so I took a hasty visit to my psychiatrist. I took the pills he gave me (still do btw) and wasn’t afraid I’d end up like before. However, I was still pretty manic.

I’ll tell you about a “dream” I had back then. It occurred after I wrote The Truth v.2, so you can kind of figure out what kind of mental state I was in back then. I was lying in bed next to my girlfriend. Looking at my window blinds that started to deform and dance. With closed eyelids, I saw people with weird faces and expressions. With every half a second a new face. It’s not easy trying to sleep with all these visual things, but after a while I managed to doze off to some kind of dream state.

The dream:

I was in my house. It looked a bit different from my current house. The front door had 2 big, red, steel bars making it very secure. I was looking out of my window onto the street. Across the street, in a neighboring house I saw dark eyes and shadows looking at me. I felt as if they wanted something. I ignored it at first, but gradually I saw more and more beings in different houses looking at me. I figured it was time to stop looking. I left the room and joined my sleeping girlfriend in bed (she was vastly asleep in real life). I felt secure and unafraid. After a while I felt “things/beings” penetrating my house, coming trough the walls as they are heading straight towards us. Suddenly (and I still remember this quite well) I open my eyes, leaving my dream, looking at my sleeping girlfriend as I was spooning her. All of a sudden, I felt a very warm feeling in the center of my heart. It was building up, getting hotter and hotter and felt it circulating. As this “storm” got bigger and bigger, It suddenly peaked and exploded kind of like a bomb, sending an invisible shockwave across the room. At that exact moment of release, I see my girlfriend shaking heavily.

Weird. I like to think it was a way of expelling the dark beings that came for us. Yeah sure, I saw the beings in my sleep. But what I felt building up in my heart and seeing my girlfriend tremble before me was happening in “reality”. Oh and btw, a couple of hours later, next morning, she told me her nose was bleeding a bit. Wtf?

It’s just so weird to experience stuff like this. Is it all a dream? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Is my brain purposely creating these visual things as a way of processing the day-to-day events? Is it just my way of trying to understand this universe? Then again, why are soooo many people experiencing the same kind of thing? I’d like to think of it as something more than just a mental “illness” as some like to call it.

Whatever. Right now, since I got the job, I started sleeping and dreaming normally again. It’s just so funny because now I realize I was pretty manic the past 4 months. In my manic state I knew I was doing/thinking/feeling things that are out of the norm. I didn’t care. I wanted to know where this beautiful rabbit hole would take me.

P.S.: Love this artwork!

P.S.2: Fitting song : 

Anxiety to Serenity

My previous reasons for anxiety:

  1. Afraid my cold turns into pneumonia
  2. Not being able to sleep
  3. Therefore a little afraid of tumbling back to mania / psychosis
  4. New job tomorrow
  5. Acting class will make matters worse

They were all false;

  1. Went to the doctor yesterday, got some pills & nose pray. It’ll be gone in no time
  2. Slept semi-steadily yesterday
  3. Not afraid of a manic episode / psychosis anymore
  4. I had to come in today and sign my contract for the job. Met some friendly people and learned how the company operates. It’ll be a “breeze”.
  5. Acting class was a blast! My character was Jesus, how fitting…

I kind of wanted this blog post to be well written. Only just got home and got 6 more hours of sleep until my first day at work.

Cya!

Jebus.

Serenity

Lying with honesty

Damn!

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

I found it here. What you just read is bipolar disorder put into words, so precise, so beautifully. The words came from Dr.Kay Jamison, an american psychologist who suffers from bipolar as well.

I’ve known what I have for about 2 years, maybe a little more. The highs are so incredible and in order for me to chase them, manipulating myself is child’s play. Even now, with full knowledge of what’s going on. Oh well I keep learning everyday, I’ll be just fine.

I keep forgetting

I start wednesday at my new job, I want to appear well rested and ready to own some shit. I haven’t been sleeping well this past week and a half. Maybe 3 to 4 hours a day on average. Couple that with a nasty cold and you’ll get why my nervousness increases.

Here’s an excerpt from someone else’s blog post:

“These people can go for days with 2-3 hours of sleep per night. Usually they fall asleep without much delay, but wake up 2-4 hours later and the rest of the night, if they get any more sleep at all, is broken into 15-60 minute segments of very restless, almost “waking” sleep. Dreams can be vivid, almost real. They finally get up feeling completely unrested. Note that this is not “decreased need for sleep” (the Bipolar I pattern). These people want desperately to sleep better and are very frustrated.”

Dementia

 

This was a clear reminder for me that I still struggle with my mental “illness” I thought I had it figured out again. My thought process: “I’m not sleeping well because of my nasty cold and I don’t even need sleep that much.”

You see, I’m managing fine without sleep, I still have tons of energy I can’t seem to drain but as the deadline (the job) comes closer and closer, it’s getting more and more tiresome and frustrating not being able to sleep.

In the excerpt they talk about vivid dreams, almost real. It’s incredible what I see and experience this last week and half. Is it my mind playing tricks on me or is it cold hard truth?

When I close my eyes before I “try” to go to sleep, I see people, monsters, aliens. Mostly just dark eyes looking at me, varying in creepiness and once in a while you see one that really scares you. When I actually do sleep, my dreams can be so… Yeah, vivid and so real. I wake up with brights ideas and moments but as I wake up they vanish fast, within 5 minutes. I should really keep pen & paper next to my bed. But once in a while they do stick with me.

I’ll tell you about my weirdest one tomorrow in a comment here, don’t really feel like going into it right now.

Sleep well!

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