I’m sick

Sick and tired of seeing all these motivational pictures, posts, ads, etc… EVERYWHERE. Stuff like:

Exercise more, eat healthier, do more, work more, play more, think this way, do things that way!

It’s infecting my facebook feed, my wordpress reader, my short tv existence after work and worst of all, it’s creeping into broad fucking daylight. Urgh, cringe!

I feel like I’m being bombarded constantly by big egos telling me how to live. Are they trying to help others or are they rubbing their psychological cocks and vajayjays a little more? I don’t know, probably a bit of both. If it’s the former, I’m not sure how effective it really is.

Sure, I can work and play more and it will probably lead to good things in the future. However, seeing this stuff over and over makes me feel like I’m not doing enough.

Possible outcomes:

  • I’ll work more and play more. My future self will reflect at times and think; “Damn! I do feel better, look at where I am, all this money, all these bitches!” However, will I ever reach contentment and satisfaction? At the end of the road, burnout, depression and loneliness seem more likely.
  • I start feeling sick, sick of what my life has become; “There’s so much more I can be doing right now. It’s time to work harder and play more! Argh, why am I not doing all these things like I’m supposed to? Why can’t I live life like all those other people? Bah, my life is always the same shit everyday and I’m sick of it. I hate myself so fucking much!” 

Now I admit, I am being a bit gloomy and extreme right now. I’m not denying it never helps anyone. All I’m trying to do is tell people it can have the total opposite effect on some individuals. Seeing all this happy-go-lucky stuff is annoying, I’ve seen it a million times before. It makes depression a bigger taboo than it needs to be and nine times out of ten, it’s just not interesting…

P.S.: Big up for the people telling how they really feel on social media.
P.S.2.: The photo ain’t really that fitting but Goddamn!! haha
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Wandering

I’m wandering trough life.

Trying to find out how to think.

Tumble tumble.

Don’t stop.

 

Dreams

Hello all!

I haven’t updated my blog in a while. I’ve been busy getting to know and mastering the details of my new job. It’s fun, I love my colleagues and I’m learning new stuff everyday. I do wonder however, what the future will bring as I’d like to move up the proverbial ladder.

What I want to talk about now are dreams. Right now, I’m in a calm state of mind, the last 4 months were pretty manic from time to time. I started noticing the first symptoms when me and my girlfriend started living together. Thank God I recognized what was going on so I took a hasty visit to my psychiatrist. I took the pills he gave me (still do btw) and wasn’t afraid I’d end up like before. However, I was still pretty manic.

I’ll tell you about a “dream” I had back then. It occurred after I wrote The Truth v.2, so you can kind of figure out what kind of mental state I was in back then. I was lying in bed next to my girlfriend. Looking at my window blinds that started to deform and dance. With closed eyelids, I saw people with weird faces and expressions. With every half a second a new face. It’s not easy trying to sleep with all these visual things, but after a while I managed to doze off to some kind of dream state.

The dream:

I was in my house. It looked a bit different from my current house. The front door had 2 big, red, steel bars making it very secure. I was looking out of my window onto the street. Across the street, in a neighboring house I saw dark eyes and shadows looking at me. I felt as if they wanted something. I ignored it at first, but gradually I saw more and more beings in different houses looking at me. I figured it was time to stop looking. I left the room and joined my sleeping girlfriend in bed (she was vastly asleep in real life). I felt secure and unafraid. After a while I felt “things/beings” penetrating my house, coming trough the walls as they are heading straight towards us. Suddenly (and I still remember this quite well) I open my eyes, leaving my dream, looking at my sleeping girlfriend as I was spooning her. All of a sudden, I felt a very warm feeling in the center of my heart. It was building up, getting hotter and hotter and felt it circulating. As this “storm” got bigger and bigger, It suddenly peaked and exploded kind of like a bomb, sending an invisible shockwave across the room. At that exact moment of release, I see my girlfriend shaking heavily.

Weird. I like to think it was a way of expelling the dark beings that came for us. Yeah sure, I saw the beings in my sleep. But what I felt building up in my heart and seeing my girlfriend tremble before me was happening in “reality”. Oh and btw, a couple of hours later, next morning, she told me her nose was bleeding a bit. Wtf?

It’s just so weird to experience stuff like this. Is it all a dream? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Is my brain purposely creating these visual things as a way of processing the day-to-day events? Is it just my way of trying to understand this universe? Then again, why are soooo many people experiencing the same kind of thing? I’d like to think of it as something more than just a mental “illness” as some like to call it.

Whatever. Right now, since I got the job, I started sleeping and dreaming normally again. It’s just so funny because now I realize I was pretty manic the past 4 months. In my manic state I knew I was doing/thinking/feeling things that are out of the norm. I didn’t care. I wanted to know where this beautiful rabbit hole would take me.

P.S.: Love this artwork!

P.S.2: Fitting song : 

Lying with honesty

Damn!

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

I found it here. What you just read is bipolar disorder put into words, so precise, so beautifully. The words came from Dr.Kay Jamison, an american psychologist who suffers from bipolar as well.

I’ve known what I have for about 2 years, maybe a little more. The highs are so incredible and in order for me to chase them, manipulating myself is child’s play. Even now, with full knowledge of what’s going on. Oh well I keep learning everyday, I’ll be just fine.

Meltdown

What I’ve been trying to do recently is the following:

  1. Assuming everything happens for a reason
  2. Therefore observing like you’ve never observed before (wich is the hardest part)
  3. Analyzing what you see or hear
  4. Wisdom will be achieved by not letting go of new-found knowledge
  5. Repeat.

I’ll give you a little aid in how to execute each step;

  1. Arrogantly assume You’re God himself!
  2. You can’t wear the same shades you’ve been wearing all your life. Drugs are eye-openers…
  3. Go sit in the toilet with pen&paper and use your brain. Music is allowed, if not a necessity.
  4. Not letting go of new-found knowledge is hard, see pen&paper, laptops can cause too much distractions.
  5. Repeat differently

P.S.: I’m not trying to get people hooked on heroin, everything in life is a drug. You just have to know when it’s time to move on

Happy Valentines Day!

Eat your heart out!

First book in ages

You know I’m interested in all the human “faults”, from severe depression and suicide to manic and sociopathic. Just as people discover my blog, I discover theirs aswel. Thank you!

Recently I stumbled upon this girl. I instantly connected with the quote she had written that goes along with the photograph. So I checked out her blog. She has written a book aswel. She says it’s fictional but so is life. I’m pretty sure it’s an accurate reality.

Read the comments on the last link I posted.

I’ve managed to get a copy, free of charge. Because hey, I’m in debt now. Hahahahaha

I really like her book so far! I’m 30 percent in and it’s causing me not to go to sleep. Maybe she figured out a way to transfer all her fucked up thoughts so that she could live again.

I’m happy to take ’em.

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