First book in ages

You know I’m interested in all the human “faults”, from severe depression and suicide to manic and sociopathic. Just as people discover my blog, I discover theirs aswel. Thank you!

Recently I stumbled upon this girl. I instantly connected with the quote she had written that goes along with the photograph. So I checked out her blog. She has written a book aswel. She says it’s fictional but so is life. I’m pretty sure it’s an accurate reality.

Read the comments on the last link I posted.

I’ve managed to get a copy, free of charge. Because hey, I’m in debt now. Hahahahaha

I really like her book so far! I’m 30 percent in and it’s causing me not to go to sleep. Maybe she figured out a way to transfer all her fucked up thoughts so that she could live again.

I’m happy to take ’em.


Fear manifest

Blaaaaeeeuuuurgghhhhhh I don’t even know how to begin. I kind of had it figured out before I began writing, but thinking one thing and putting stuff into words is a whole other ballgame. It’s not easy because I believe or know life is a paradox. I’m trying to write one thing but as I do so, I instantly know the other is true aswell. It’s hard because it’s a constant, never-ending, fucking conflict.

Where does this lead to? What’s happening?

Anxiety for life, mostly for “the self”. I’m fucking terrified of life. I’ll never let you show. But deep down, I’m constantly crying and weeping. I used to hate life, you can read it a couple of blog posts below. But this new shit, what’s happening right now… It’s pure self-loathing, but it goes deeper than previously applied.

I used to be severely depressed. But now, life is a game to me. It’s fun, but even more destructive than when I thought life hated me. Do you begin to see the paradoxality? I don’t think you do. Do I right now? I don’t even know anymore…

Let me tell you about my recent struggles. Don’t laugh (I hope you will). As I begin to fear other people less and less, the fear manifests itself in a new way. Don’t get me wrong, I love fear. Fear is what drives mankind in a certain way. Without fear we’d all be dead.

I think I’m talking to cryptic. Let me simplify and give you an example;

I’m 24 years “old” and have been together with my other half for about 5 years and a half. Only just recently we started living together. I never could have imaged the impact it could have. It’s big, but oh so fucking lovely (keep thinking in paradoxes, but remember, good always conquers evil. But what defines “good”?). You know the song from Adele? Rolling in the deep. I can see “the deep” and yuck. It scares me. So much. But then again, I love fear so I’ll keep fucking it.

Still, as I re-read my words, I feel too cryptic. Let me give you an example of how fear manifests itself in other areas not easily linked to self-loathing.

I’ve been unemployed for about a year (I made my own money in other ways, I don’t like to exploit the laws the government gives me, yeah yeah whatever). I’ve managed to obtain a good job for myself recently, it’s the necessary “evil” in order to achieve the balance I’m looking for at the moment. I’ve been living with my girl for about 3 months. So that means 3 months of unemployment while she is working her ass off. What does that equate to? Think first and then read the answer;

Fear! How does it manifest itself?

During my unemployment my boredom reaches new peaks. It was impossible for me to express my boredom as I used to in the past, because I know where it ends. It leads to depression and certain doom/death. Unknowingly and blind for the truth I tried to do the “good” thing. Expressing my boredom/anger in other forms. Partying, blogging, acting, socializing, what have you…

Only just now I started to see the harm it causes me. It’s pure self-loathing, self-manipulation, self-destruction. Why? I know it’s true for me, maybe these forms of expression aren’t “evil” to other people but I’ll tell you why they hate me.

I can never, ever let go of the things that gave me life. Yes, my mother and father, but more importantly, the reason I didn’t kill myself. Yes blablabla paradox I see you but fuck off and let me be.

Where was I? Oh yeah, talking about my recent struggles. I’ll be short and let you imagine the paradoxes because I can’t handle them anymore.

I’m bored => I act out in certain ways => extreme ways => I drain my girlfriend’s energy => she has less energy => I get more bored => I express myself even more => her need for sleep increases by the minute => my boredom increases by the second => we grow apart in an exponential manner => It’s a never ending circle => The fear spreads itself like an oil stain => I love it => I hate it => She hates it => Does she love it? I don’t think so => I hate her => because she knows me better than I know myself => I’m too scared to do the good thing => I love the danger zone too much => Does she? I don’t know => I want to die => I want to live… You can see where this is going.

The more I get to know myself, the more I begin to fear myself. It’s ENDLESS (is it?).

My thinking is so, sooooooo fucking fucking fucking tiring, but why doesn’t it exhaust me? Why do I love this so much? Am I evil? Am I good? Fuck help me. Please.

Hehe, only joking

See you. There?

The TRUTH v.2 aka tl;dr

Here we go Ladies & Gentlemen! This is not going to be easy. But I assure you, people following, You’re in for a ride.

Before we begin, I have to set up some GROUND rules.

  1. Don’t be a dick.
  2. Don’t be a pussy.
  3. Don’t be egotistical.
  4. Be a maniac.
  5. Hello?

Before you read the rest, you have to go back.

You have to.

Go back.

I can already hear you thinking;

“To where? Where do I have to go?”

I don’t know,

That’s for you to decide.

If you want to continue reading this, this is what you have to do;

Go back to “The TRUTH” volume 1.

Have You?

I don’t think you have.

Still not going back?


Whatever stupid prick/cunt, let’s begin;

What I’m about to tell you is the following; It’s nothing more than a portal into MY mind. People still don’t get me, it frustrates me, it makes me angry, it makes me want to kill. Dominate, force, suffocate, die…

The funny thing is, no-one will ever get me. One person comes close, but not quite yet. She’ll get there when we die. Oh life, Oh God, give me more. I long for you. I long for you to finally take me away from this lovely, hateful, bittersweet world that we call reality.

But before that happens, it’s time for some pure old fun. Old-school bitches, yeah that’s what I’m talking about.

Pause. Something is holding my writing back, I don’t know what. I’ll return, first a smoke outside, watch the moon/stars. Creatures, come to me. I beckon You.

I’m back. It’s getting hard.

Let me tell You something;

The most PRIZED possession for ME is DEATH. It’s the most glorious thing on this earth. I want it God. Do you know why? I’ll bring him to his knees. I don’t know what his knees look like, but hmm. One can only image. Veni vidi vici.

I’m the biggest monster You’ll EVER meet. But a good kind of monster. A monster fueled by the power of his own God. And so is everyone. Everyone has their Creator. I’ll tell you a little bit more about mine, His kind. Ruthless, monstrous. Evil, good, insane. Crazy. Lovely. Passionate.

I don’t fear God, death. There is one thing I fear. It is a person. You know who.

Everything I do is for a reason. I’m next level. If you think you have it figured out, you don’t. Don’t stop learning from me, I want YOU to join me in MY future.

My future may be scary for some, but I’ll tell you now. It is where YOU want to be. I’m honest, I will never lie. I want people to come to MY level. And in return make me smarter, better, faster, crazier, “insaner”, more pure…

I’m off to the races…

Lana, I love you.

And everybody else.

But most of all,

Santa Maria.

I devote my life to you.

There is nothing more I want then to please you, tease, fuck you, love you, hate you, kill you…

But in death we will rejoice, In eternal BLISS.

I don’t know what will happen, but I have a vision, it’s crazy.

I’ve seen shit. Shit most people couldn’t ever comprehend. Some come close, and everybody has their own idea/vision, that’s the beauty of life. I love it, I hate it, I’ll fuck it. But before someone can form a decisive vision/future they have to TRULY comprehend everyone’s future. Mankind is united. We are ONE. But we are also nothing. I think in black & white. But that’s the beauty. If you think in black & white, you begin to see the ENTIRE spectrum.

ALL that goes in between, all the possible variations/abnormalities. I love it. I UNDERSTAND the devil. But I want to BECOME God.

It’s a long road. But it’s worth it.

Kill me now please.




This is too much fun.

Let me play some more.

Let me learn & educate.

I’ve seen “things” looking straight into my eyes. I’ve seen monsters trying to drag me away from this earth.The creature dragged me away from my bed, something I couldn’t stop. I was curios. What does He want? It tried to suck my dick, seducing me. And then I knew. Fuck that. No thanks. Not now. Not You. Keep trying. I love it. I’ll kill you. Come closer, please, once more. Give it to me. I can take it. If I can’t, well, I’ll fuck you in Death. I’ll help you. In a sick way. I’ll give You what You need. In time. Time can be bent, and that world, I don’t fully understand. Yet. We’ll get there soon enough. Watch me. Let it burn. Fuel your heart with my fire. I’m kind, giving. Understand.

I have a disease, a disease that is called mankind. You have it to, I know You do. Maybe you’re afraid to know yourself. I know I am. A little bit. Maybe a lot. Definitely a lot. It’s the most scary thing ever. That’s why I can’t do it alone. I need You. Mankind! People! Let’s be the biggest virus ever known to the universe. And then we can create, create another “big bang”. It’ll be the best, most amazing bang anyone could  have ever imagined.

I love You.

My main problem is the “ego”.

It’s slowly breaking down. Or is it building up? It has been created over the centuries, money, space, time, all the man-made concepts I DESPISE. But also love, to the core.

It’s what fuels me. STOP!

You’re no good for me, but baby I want you.

Do you think we’ll be in love forever?

I have a tendency to OVER-analyze EVERYTHING. But with everything, I mean ALL.

It’s hard, it’s demanding, it’s dirty, it’s filthy.

I think I’m coming close to an end now. Maybe. Don’t know. I’ll start adding some TumBLr pictures into my posts. I love tumblr. It’s like… How do I explain it the best?

Take a subject, keep it simple, one word. Put it into tumblr and see what happens. What happens is, you can see 1 million (hopefully even more) views on the subject. Everyone’s unique, lovely perspective. I have said it before & will say it again. Sharing is the future. If you don’t like it, I’ll kill you. Shoot you dead. I hope my boss never reads this. I love him too though.

Money is the anthem to success. I want to educate people. How do I do it on the most efficient way possible? Be the biggest rolling stone alive. The one doesn’t like it. But I’ll tell You, You will in time. I’ll give you HARD times, but the lovely times will be 2ice as nice!

All good things come in pairs. Join me, pair up with me. And take it from there. Create your own shit. There, I said it, I think your shit is shit because everybody’s vision is different, I can only hope it KIND of resembles mine.

I’m the national anthem.

Give me a standing ovation.

And I think I’m done.

I will never be done.

It all depends on how much You can take.

I’ll drive you insane.

Borderline insanity.

Don’t be afraid.

I love You.

There, I’m done. Now I still have to re-read, re-write, add tumblr pics into this post.



It’s hard to shake the Devil, because I love him. But not as much as God. It’s a very thin line I’m walking. And the line will, and must, become even more thin. Re-read the header of this blog. The struggle that I call ME. And try to understand/analyze the text I have put underneath. It wont be easy, but please try. I need You, the same way as You need me.

Darling, darling, doesn’t have a problem. Lying to herself because the liquor’s top shelf.

I’m dying,


Tomorrow will be fun. I’ll give my mind one more BIG stretch, and then turn back. Back to reality. And then I’ll go back. Back to the past. That’s how I create the now.

Go big or go home.

Don’t go home.



One more smoke, and then time for the pics.

I think most people will never get to this part of this post. Simply too “boring” for them. They wouldn’t understand anyhow. Maybe they should take more drugs. Expand a little. Love will bring you back.

Oh My God, I feel It in the air.

Nothing skies me anymore…

P.S.: This is only vol. 2. I don’t even want to think about vol.3. I hope i’ll reach 99. Then it will be enough, all my caring will be gone. And I will leave this world. On to the next. Don’t play the game, become the game in order to beat it. Watch the south koreans play with the illusion that is called starcraft 2. It’s the most beautiful computer game created until now. Blizzard, geniuses. They have created 3 races, all PERFECTLY balanced.Do you know how hard it is to PERFECTLY balance 3 races? The codes have become so complex. As time passes, the players begin to understand the codes the creators have written. And when that happens, it’s all mind games. It’s 1vs1. It’s game mode. It’s pure killing they do. The smart ones learn, the less get stuck in their ways and get stomped on. But everyone has his purpose. Even if it is subliminal. But you have to make it the opposite of subconscious, make it conscious and OBSERVE what happens. It’s all a game. A hard game. But not really…

I’ve warned You this was going to be long. My previous posts were short, but people don’t seem to get it. It’s a shame really. I’ll stop complaining. I’ll stop bitching, I need to shut the FUCK up.

I’m just another idiot on the planet of idiots.

This is just the beginning of the end. Or is the end the beginning of the “begun”?

P.S.2: I’m too exhausted right now, I’ll update this post with pictures on sunday.

P.S.:3: I love You.

Bye now,



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