Blaaaaeeeuuuurgghhhhhh I don’t even know how to begin. I kind of had it figured out before I began writing, but thinking one thing and putting stuff into words is a whole other ballgame. It’s not easy because I believe or know life is a paradox. I’m trying to write one thing but as I do so, I instantly know the other is true aswell. It’s hard because it’s a constant, never-ending, fucking conflict.
Where does this lead to? What’s happening?
Anxiety for life, mostly for “the self”. I’m fucking terrified of life. I’ll never let you show. But deep down, I’m constantly crying and weeping. I used to hate life, you can read it a couple of blog posts below. But this new shit, what’s happening right now… It’s pure self-loathing, but it goes deeper than previously applied.
I used to be severely depressed. But now, life is a game to me. It’s fun, but even more destructive than when I thought life hated me. Do you begin to see the paradoxality? I don’t think you do. Do I right now? I don’t even know anymore…
Let me tell you about my recent struggles. Don’t laugh (I hope you will). As I begin to fear other people less and less, the fear manifests itself in a new way. Don’t get me wrong, I love fear. Fear is what drives mankind in a certain way. Without fear we’d all be dead.
I think I’m talking to cryptic. Let me simplify and give you an example;
I’m 24 years “old” and have been together with my other half for about 5 years and a half. Only just recently we started living together. I never could have imaged the impact it could have. It’s big, but oh so fucking lovely (keep thinking in paradoxes, but remember, good always conquers evil. But what defines “good”?). You know the song from Adele? Rolling in the deep. I can see “the deep” and yuck. It scares me. So much. But then again, I love fear so I’ll keep fucking it.
Still, as I re-read my words, I feel too cryptic. Let me give you an example of how fear manifests itself in other areas not easily linked to self-loathing.
I’ve been unemployed for about a year (I made my own money in other ways, I don’t like to exploit the laws the government gives me, yeah yeah whatever). I’ve managed to obtain a good job for myself recently, it’s the necessary “evil” in order to achieve the balance I’m looking for at the moment. I’ve been living with my girl for about 3 months. So that means 3 months of unemployment while she is working her ass off. What does that equate to? Think first and then read the answer;
Fear! How does it manifest itself?
During my unemployment my boredom reaches new peaks. It was impossible for me to express my boredom as I used to in the past, because I know where it ends. It leads to depression and certain doom/death. Unknowingly and blind for the truth I tried to do the “good” thing. Expressing my boredom/anger in other forms. Partying, blogging, acting, socializing, what have you…
Only just now I started to see the harm it causes me. It’s pure self-loathing, self-manipulation, self-destruction. Why? I know it’s true for me, maybe these forms of expression aren’t “evil” to other people but I’ll tell you why they hate me.
I can never, ever let go of the things that gave me life. Yes, my mother and father, but more importantly, the reason I didn’t kill myself. Yes blablabla paradox I see you but fuck off and let me be.
Where was I? Oh yeah, talking about my recent struggles. I’ll be short and let you imagine the paradoxes because I can’t handle them anymore.
I’m bored => I act out in certain ways => extreme ways => I drain my girlfriend’s energy => she has less energy => I get more bored => I express myself even more => her need for sleep increases by the minute => my boredom increases by the second => we grow apart in an exponential manner => It’s a never ending circle => The fear spreads itself like an oil stain => I love it => I hate it => She hates it => Does she love it? I don’t think so => I hate her => because she knows me better than I know myself => I’m too scared to do the good thing => I love the danger zone too much => Does she? I don’t know => I want to die => I want to live… You can see where this is going.
The more I get to know myself, the more I begin to fear myself. It’s ENDLESS (is it?).
My thinking is so, sooooooo fucking fucking fucking tiring, but why doesn’t it exhaust me? Why do I love this so much? Am I evil? Am I good? Fuck help me. Please.
See you. There?